In the past few weeks things have dramatically slowed down....that is training wise....work has increased and my family time has decreased. I have to choose to either sleep or see my nephew and sister and brother in law. Right now sleep is winning, I fight it but it isn't working.
While things for me have turned completely upside down so have my emotions. I am angry more now. It is the feeling that the anger is festering inside of me and then all of a sudden explodes for no apparent reason. It could be because the dog bark at a noise outside, or Lil Man cries because he doesn't want to get his hair wet, or when I get 7 call outs in one shift and the work load just seems overwhelming I am finding myself exploding.Sometime imploding more so than exploding, NOT a good thing. You see I no longer have an outlet, I am just to exhausted to find the energy to go for a run, or my legs are hurting or my foot is aching...Without an outlet every emotion is just sitting and waiting.
Things have become so chaotic that today when I left work and was meeting a friend after work at our usual spot (bar) I found myself driving to the freeway before I realized I had passed the bar. Almost 10 minutes out of the way. Today when coming to work I found myself almost turning left, I had my blinker on, I was at a complete stop at the stop sign, only I couldn't turn left. There was no left turn for me to make. Really???? WTH!!! I wake up in the morning and I can't recall what day it is, am I suppose to be at work and if so what time? Was it a trailer day or a non trailer day? Very confusing and when I finally put it all together together it had taken me a good solid 10 minutes to figure it all out. Sometimes it is even my day off.
Am I losing it? Or have I already lost it? I feel a bit out of sorts. I feel unfocused and detached. Not a good feeling. I am still executing my core roles at work, but at what cost? I find myself thinking this question. What cost, when is it enough, or does it get better. I find myself asking that question. It has to get better. Right? I hope so, because I can't keep driving aimlessly around town, who knows maybe one day I will end up in another state.
It has to get better, it will be better, it is just going to take some time to get use to. Right?