Wednesday, May 25, 2011

It has to get Better

In the past few weeks things have dramatically slowed down....that is training has increased and my family time has decreased. I have to choose to either sleep or see my nephew and sister and brother in law. Right now sleep is winning, I fight it but it isn't working.

While things for me have turned completely upside down so have my emotions. I am angry more now. It is the feeling that the anger is festering inside of me and then all of a sudden explodes for no apparent reason. It could be because the dog bark at a noise outside, or Lil Man cries because he doesn't want to get his hair wet, or when I get 7 call outs in one shift and the work load just seems overwhelming I am finding myself exploding.Sometime imploding more so than exploding, NOT a good thing. You see I no longer have an outlet, I am just to exhausted to find the energy to go for a run, or my legs are hurting or my foot is aching...Without an outlet every emotion is just sitting and waiting.

Things have become so chaotic that today when I left work and was meeting a friend after work at our usual spot (bar) I found myself driving to the freeway before I realized I had passed the bar. Almost 10 minutes out of the way. Today when coming to work I found myself almost turning left, I had my blinker on, I was at a complete stop at the stop sign, only I couldn't turn left. There was no left turn for me to make. Really???? WTH!!! I wake up in the morning and I can't recall what day it is, am I suppose to be at work and if so what time? Was it a trailer day or a non trailer day? Very confusing and when I finally put it all together together it had taken me a good solid 10 minutes to figure it all out. Sometimes it is even my day off.

Am I losing it? Or have I already lost it? I feel a bit out of sorts. I feel unfocused and detached. Not a good feeling. I am still executing my core roles at work, but at what cost? I find myself thinking this question. What cost, when is it enough, or does it get better. I find myself asking that question. It has to get better. Right? I hope so, because I can't keep driving aimlessly around town, who knows maybe one day I will end up in another state.

It has to get better, it will be better, it is just going to take some time to get use to. Right?


  1. Hang in there Pigeon. Soon I will be your outlet. We will be running together again soon.

    I am off June 1 so feel free to come by or call to vent.

  2. Did you find out what is with your foot? This is actually a common reaction to chronic pain. Add in your work issues and I'm not surprised you're exploding with stress!

    Hang in there. Take care of yourself. Sleep is more important that family sometimes. You need it to heal!